July 11, 2013

With many torn out pages

What my summer is all about? When you think about it that's an easy question to answer. Having fun in the most ways I can imagine. 

I've spent some beautiful time with my handsome cousin, who actually is more like a brother to me. This boy can surely make me laugh. We live in different cities and we see each other one or two times a year for no more than a week. But I guess we have identical souls. When we meet it's like we never parted. We talk 'till early morning hours and we have fun all day acting mad. This handsome young man is one of a kind, I tell you.

 I also spent some time with some old and some new friends. Having fun, laughing our hearts out and being sad together.
 One of my babies graduated. We've been friends from the day I was born. We grew up together and stayed close friends even when she became an university student. But I never saw her growing up. She always was my little friend that's older but smaller than me. In my head we both still were fifteen year-old friends that hang out in the garden behind their house. And when I came to her graduation I couldn't just work it out in my head that she's a total grownup now. She graduated from university. Why does life has to happen so fast?
I had some partying this summer too.
In one of the parties I had some drug experience. I don't do drugs myself. But my friend had an accident with some tabs. Everything, that could go wrong, did. Seeing your friend in this trance state when he doesn't know you, when he beats up your friends, when he forgets who he is.. What can I say. It's not pretty. A person is lost in his body, in his head. He sees visions and forgets that somewhere around him there's reality. Dragons, snakes, demons - everything that he's scared of - become as real as his own hand. Friends around him become enemies. Not something I ever want to experience.
I also went to one festival so far.
 I surely do love festivals. As I sat by my tent I looked around me and understood that good music, a great place and interesting program is important for a festival to be good. But it doesn't make it great. What makes it brilliant is the people. I love that everyone's relaxed, happy and friendly. The person you've never seen before becomes your bestfriend. Mass of people become all alike and dance, sing and party like one. You can feel love on your skin. I think it's beautiful. And tomorrow I'm leaving for my second festival. Can't wait.

And I've done some other interesting stuff but I still feel like I've wasted too much time. I still can not feel happy, "I've got that summertime sadness". There's no matter that I've done all these beautiful things but there are a lot of stuff I wanted to but didn't do and it haunts me. 
 I should learn to appreciate the good things around me. But I just can't. Sometimes it doesn't matter how beautifully things turned up because it is still not as beautiful as I wished. And that's just plain stupid but I can't change it. I have this picture of 'how everything should be' in my head and when everything doesn't go according to plan I turn out disappointed.

I surely would wish to write more. To get everything outside of my head and lay it on some paper or on my keyboard. But again, I can't. This last few weeks I come up with something beautiful to write. I keep it in my head 'till I get to some paper. And when I touch the pen everything disappears. I suddenly feel uninspired as hell and all I want to do is to rip the paper in small pieces and go to bed. 

But maybe I guess my summer was more about doing and less about writing or thinking about it. Maybe that's why I started feeling so shallow and empty. Because maybe not what we do but how we think about doing it is more important.

I didn't even wrote this post in one piece. I wrote little bits from time to time when I had little sparks of inspiration. So sorry for the disconnected thoughts, I just had to get everything outside my head.

But how's your summer been? Are you having fun? Or 'underachieving'? I want to know all about it.