July 1, 2015

Hello July

It's funny how fast everything can change. One moment I'm sitting and not believing how happy I am, waking up from my dreams and realizing that the awaken life is better than anything I could dream of and starting every day with a huge smile on my face. And suddenly another moment comes and I'm back to where I started, only with a huge hole inside because for a little while I experienced how good it could be. I am not depressed again, I'm not back to the place I was a few months ago. From that horrible time I understood that doesn't matter how cheesy it sounds, happiness is a choice and despite everything I still choose to be happy. However, now I understood that there are very different levels of how happy I can be.

Last night at midnight I was standing in the bus station, hugging a group of people I don't even know and waving to a bus while crying our eyes out. It was the first friend of my many new friends leaving. Even though I knew her for a couple of months and we started our relationship as frienemies, very quickly we grew very close together and the time to let her go came too fast. The city where I happily lived my whole life without ever thinking that it's missing anything suddenly feels too empty, too quite, too sleepy.

The bus left the station and so did we. We got into a car and a boy suggested that we should have a night ride around the city. We all did not know each other but everyone agreed. For an hour we were sitting not talking, the radio was playing and we just rode around. Everybody was enjoying the moment in nostalgic silence, thinking about the adventures we had with the girl and from time to time someone would silently wipe a tear of their cheek. Someone got hungry and we rode to a supermarket, some guy bought us all icecream. For a second the moment was perfect: it was 2 a.m. we were standing in a parking lot in the middle of the city, the summer night was warm and everybody was just eating icecream, telling old stories and laughing. But the moment passed and the thought that we will never see each other again like this came back. A boy in the car said that this is why it is worth living - nights like these. I couldn't agree more, but it doesn't make it any less sad.

Now my summer has finally started after having to pass 7 exams but I've already got the summer sadness. I don't know how to live anymore, how should I spend my time now.  I have a lot of plans and wishes of what should I do and I hope that they will make me okay again. A very short but a very beautiful chapter of my life is over, but I try to think that the book still has a lot of pages (oh, so metaphorical). Step by step I will fill this hole hopefully.
- Kamile.

May 25, 2015

Spring ♥

Wow. This spring passed so so quickly. Once again I failed to notice how short the beauty of spring lasts and now it's once again almost over. However, I don't remember a spring when I had so many new things happening in my life. Once in a while I stop and just think at what place my life is right now and I would have never believed where I'm going to be if someone had told me this a year ago. Only a couple of months ago I was having a very very bad period in my life where happiness seemed to be nowhere insight. And now all I can be is happy. The only bad thing about this spring was that most of it I spent without my laptop (it was broken) and I couldn't write or post anything here and I wanted to do it soooo much! Plus not having where to put my photographs was the main reason why I only took so little of those. But I'm sharing what I managed to catch.

April 5, 2015

The happy list

There couldn't be a better time to make this post. The reason for that is that lately I've been having quite the hard time in my life. I'm not going to get into too much detail but all I can say is that I had quite a heavy phase of depression. I don't know if anyone noticed but I had this blog blocked for a little while. But I don't want to be all sad here and explain all the reasons.
  For the moment I still can't safely say that it is all over but lately I've been having these random unexpected but very heavy moments of happiness in times and places where there is not that much to be happy about and they've truly been a breath of fresh air. A very huge part of me getting better were the people who either saw that I really needed help and provided the best they could or didn't see anything but not knowingly were there for me when I needed it the most. I could not be more grateful for that. 
  So I'm very happy to make this list of the things that finally do make me happy:

1. Being able to make this list. While being in my very sad moments I would remember that making this list always had made me look on things from a different perspective and it had always made me realize that there are so many thing to be happy about. But  I just could not think of anything  that would make me happy and that would make me even sadder. So I am very very happy to be able to think of things that make me happy! 

2. My orchids blooming. All my life all I could manage to do with plants would be to kill them. But for the past year I've been growing three orchids in my room and last week one of them bloomed!

3. Those few friends that were there for me. I had really really bad thoughts and they made them go away and I couldn't thank them enough (I literally tried to thank them as muchas humaly possible).

4. The laugh I had with my grandma today. I am a type of person that visits her grandparents every week. I love them very much and I know that they won't be around forever so I try to have as much time together as we can. But my grandma is always very worried about everything and even though we talk a lot, we don't usually joke around. However, today me and my grandma had a really nice laugh together and it's really nice to see a different fun side of her.

5. Spending time with my dad. I do not live with my dad and being a medstudent I don't have a lot of free time so I rarely see my dad. I know that I'm 21 and it's time to grow up and find a life, but I really do love my dad a lot and I really enjoy spending time with him (because we have that special father-dauther bond). So doing something with him for a whole afternoon made me really happy.

6. My permit to the university GYM. I had a holiday week and suddenly having all this free time was really confusing to me. However, that meant that I had all the time I wanted to spend working out. Everyday I spent at least 2 hours in there and it was like a personal therapy. It really became my happy place.

7. Reading. This is funny but I'm really happy that I can read. The other day I was cleaning my room. When I was dusting my pile of books, that earlier mentioned random moment of hapiness struck unexpected. I remembered how many joyful moments were brought to me when reading those books and how they can make me travel in time just by reading. And I just couldn't help myself but be really happy that I can read.

8. Becoming an assistant for the speakers in TEDxVilnius. I love love love TEDtalks, I watch them all the time. So this year I decided to become a volunteer for this event. I should have been a normal non-important volunteer but then my friend who is a co-organiser there recommended me for a promotion and I got the assistant duty. So this makes me happy in two ways: first of all, I'm very happy for the job itself, I can't even believe what I'll be doing! But second and even more important source of my joy is that somebody trusted me enough to recommend me for these big resposibilities.

9. This website. It helped me A LOT. And even though I'm better now, I still like to switch it on every free moment I have.

That's all I can think for now but that is still more than I could say a little time back, so I'm grateful for this. I think I should write this list regularly just because I wouldn't sink in sadness no more. This way I would constantly need to think about something happy. But we'll see how that goes.

Thank you for reading!

March 7, 2015

First times: February

There's nothing such as beautiful as when you try something new for the very first time. The taste when you put that new flavour of ice-cream in your mounth, the feeling of control when you drive a car for the first time, the eargasm that follows after you play an amazing song for the very first time and the adrenaline that rushes through your blood when you jump out of a plane with a parachute in your backpack for the very first time in your life.

I really really love and appreciate first times but it's very easy to learn to live without them. If I like a meal in a restaurant there's a very big chance that I'll order it the next time (and the five other times) I'll come there. There are more meals on the menu that might be even better than the one I liked the first time but I might never even try them. The logic is simple here: I know I like this thing and I might not like the other ones, so why should I risk it? 

The only problem is that while playing it safe and choosing things that I already know and like will leave me in the same old place where I stood yesterday. And who wants to live the same one day for 75 times and call it a life?

When we look back on our lifes we don't remmember the everyday stuff like what we ate for breakfast every single day or what movie we saw in the movie theatre when we went there for the hundredth time.

As we get older time seems to pass by a lot faster than it used to do when we were little. And I have a theory that it's because we count our time in new and interesting experiences that take us out of the ordinary. When we're little, every little single thing in this beautiful big world is new for us: the way sunshine falls through the window, the smell of the streets just before it rains and how little strands of grass grow out of dirt after the winter. But if we stay in one place for long enough with time these magical things become boring and we don't notice them anymore. So instead of looking around when we're going somewhere, we stay inside our thoughts and time just flies by.

Lately I've been reading a lot about midfulness and I've been trying to notice things in my life a little more. So that's why I decides to document my big and small first times once a month here.
 First times make living life.

My February first times:
1) Baked brownies for the first time
2) Went to a play by a famous lithuanian director O. Koršunovas for the first time. It was amazing!
3) Ran 9km for the first time this year and for the first time in the snow.
4) Did a presentation in students' science association about angiosurgery. This was the scariest thing this month and it was very official and serious but everything went very well!
5) Managed to revive a plant and made it healthy and green again. I thought I killed it earlier.
6) Went to a hike without my mom for the first time
7) Successfully prepared a tiramisu fot the first time! I tried to do it a few times earlier and I failed every time but finally I learned from my mistakes and did it!
8) Finished how i met your mother and true detective series!
9) Celebrated Valentine's day the way I really wanted to.

And that's it. This month wasn't really extraordinary for me but it was still good in it's simplicity. I really didn't get a lot of new experiences but the ones I did get were really heartwarming and of course I did a lot of things that are not that new to me, but are something I really liked for a long time.

February 22, 2015


 Here are some photos from my not so recent trip to Manchester (or Man.chest. as our bus sign from Liverpool to Manchester stated! haha!). AS ALWAYS I've been quite busy and didn't have any time to sort these pictures out. But this morning I felt the need to go through them and I got to posting them. Finally!
This trip was really amazing. It was the perfect end to my winter exam session and I was really good seeing my friend that lives in Manchester for her birthday. I disliked England (sorry) for most of my life even though I never visited it before but this little trip of ours changed my opinion 180 degrees. I loved every single thing there (well, maybe except the constant rain) and now I can't wait to go back there!

February 1, 2015

Winter hike

 I'm on vacation from my studies now and that means that I have a lot of free time. Most of my vacation days are spent relaxing, reading, catching up on some TV series and meeting friends. But yesterday night was spent quite differently. I went on a huge hike in the biggest forest of my country. The hike was very very exhaustive: we hiked our way through the forest full of snow for about five hours 'till it was already nightime and then we had to sleep in a very very cold forest house but there were too many of us and some (including me) didn't fit in the house and had to sleep outside. It was freeeeeeeezing. We slept for about 5 hours. And after that we still had to make our way through the forest again to our train stop. That was hard work, guys. Nevertheless I couldn't stop smiling the whole time. The air was so fresh and frosty - the feeling when it filled my lungs every time was so energising. I really enjoyed finally moving my legs for such a long distance and not getting weak. And the nature was breathtaking. There was snow everywhere, in the morning the sun was shining and the skies were blue and we saw a lot of animal footprints. Even though I'm so tired and I think I might have caught a cold, I'm still really happy that I went on this hike and had a chance to get a break from the city dust.
 Love, Kamile